Here is just a little peek at the engagement session we had in May with Chesley Summars, a wonderful Nashville photographer who is also taking the pictures for our wedding!
And, given my history with Andrew, I just think this song is appropriate.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Holy Cow
Friday, I had a bridal shower. And I was given more kitchen supplies than I will ever actually be able to learn to use. And how said kitchen supplies are going to fit into our just-under-five-hundred-square-foot apartment, I haven't the faintest idea.Saturday, I turned twenty-one. Other than that, nothing of consequence happened yesterday, except that I did a very grown up thing. Namely, Andrew and I purchased a patio table for our new apartment! It does not necessarily look grown up, seeing as how it is bright yellow; however, I sure felt grown up strolling around Target with a buggy filled with a patio table and chairs.
All of that being said, I had sort of an epiphany this weekend. I am not sure what brought on my sudden revelation, but somewhere amidst the happenings of the weekend, it just hit me:
I am getting married.
I do not know how to be married.
Andrew doesn't know how to be married either.
I just turned twenty-one. Should twenty-one year olds even be allowed to get married?
I am simply not convinced.
Let me clarify: I am excited to be married. I am excited to be married to Andrew. I am excited to run weekend errands with him; to go on evening walks with him; to learn how to live with him; to learn how to cook for him; to decorate our little apartment; to begin life together in our little apartment; to go our separate ways during the day, and then relax on the couch each night and give one another a recap on how our days went. I am excited just to be with him.
But I am also kind of sad.
My mom and sister went on a walk without me this morning. This is not odd; it happens often. I never went on walks with them when I was in college. I was at school; they were at home. They walked without me. I never thought twice about it.
But this morning, I had a breakdown when I realized they had gone on a walk without me. There they went... leaving me behind (with good reason; I was in the shower), when they knew good and well that they only had two more months of walking with me before I would be gone (and, by "gone", I mean that Andrew and I will be about six miles away, but that six miles seemed very long this morning in the middle of my catharsis).
And they did not seem phased by this at all.
This is the point at which I lost it.
Their lives are going to go on as if nothing has changed. They will still walk every night. My not being here will not make a bit of difference in their routine.
And I am going to have to get used to not seeing them every day... Not going into my parents' room at night to tell them goodnight... Not running Saturday errands with my mom... Not sitting in the kitchen on Sunday morning when Daddy makes his biscuits to take to church... Not going to church with my parents... Not going on walks with them each evening.
Voluntarily leaving the comfort, security, and familiarity of my family and my home, in favor of the total uncertainty of marriage to a person I have known for only a few years.
Choosing to give my life, my heart, my everything, to him. No matter what.
It kinda sounds crazy.
But then again...
It kinda doesn't.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Empty Me
When I accepted Andrew's marriage proposal two months ago, I had no idea that such a short period of engagement would be such a long process of pruning.
Attempting to maintain and sustain control over my own plans, time, habits, finances, hobbies, etc. is one thing. Attempting to do the same for a second person, and attempting to consolidate and coordinate a second person's plans, time, habits, finances, hobbies, etc. with me own is a totally different story.
Both attempts are impossible. But the second produces much more blatant results (which may also be appropriately referred to as consequences). Attempting to control another person, in any way, is not loving that person; it is in direction contradiction to loving them. Love does not control. Loving someone gives that someone freedom; it empowers them to be and do more than they ever could have been or done without that love.
Trying to control a person limits that person. It ties him to the things the controller will "allow" him to do. It binds him to standards, or impossible ideals, that the controller has created. It demeans him, and makes him feel small. It tears down his dreams, and hinders him from being all that God has created him to be.
Controlling love is selfish love. And selfish love is not love at all.
In short, when my controlling spirit is exerted onto Andrew, I am missing out on the blessing of what my relationship with Andrew could be. I am not cultivating a Christ-like relationship with him, because I am not loving him in the way that Christ loves us.
The same is true in my relationship with Christ.
God is constantly reminding me that I do not have control over my life or over Andrew's. I should not have control over them; therefore, I should stop grasping for control. Doing so only drives a wedge between Christ and me, and between Andrew and me.
Control, like any sin, limits me. It limits Andrew and my relationship with him. It limits Christ's blessings in our lives. It limits Christ's work in my life.
Things rarely work out the way I think they will these days. That is because God is God; I am not. Just when I think I have a plan, He shows me that He has a better one. Just when I think I have a handle on things, He reminds me that I do not.
As one week comes to a close, and a new one begins, this is my prayer:
Attempting to maintain and sustain control over my own plans, time, habits, finances, hobbies, etc. is one thing. Attempting to do the same for a second person, and attempting to consolidate and coordinate a second person's plans, time, habits, finances, hobbies, etc. with me own is a totally different story.
Both attempts are impossible. But the second produces much more blatant results (which may also be appropriately referred to as consequences). Attempting to control another person, in any way, is not loving that person; it is in direction contradiction to loving them. Love does not control. Loving someone gives that someone freedom; it empowers them to be and do more than they ever could have been or done without that love.
Trying to control a person limits that person. It ties him to the things the controller will "allow" him to do. It binds him to standards, or impossible ideals, that the controller has created. It demeans him, and makes him feel small. It tears down his dreams, and hinders him from being all that God has created him to be.
Controlling love is selfish love. And selfish love is not love at all.
In short, when my controlling spirit is exerted onto Andrew, I am missing out on the blessing of what my relationship with Andrew could be. I am not cultivating a Christ-like relationship with him, because I am not loving him in the way that Christ loves us.
The same is true in my relationship with Christ.
God is constantly reminding me that I do not have control over my life or over Andrew's. I should not have control over them; therefore, I should stop grasping for control. Doing so only drives a wedge between Christ and me, and between Andrew and me.
Control, like any sin, limits me. It limits Andrew and my relationship with him. It limits Christ's blessings in our lives. It limits Christ's work in my life.
Things rarely work out the way I think they will these days. That is because God is God; I am not. Just when I think I have a plan, He shows me that He has a better one. Just when I think I have a handle on things, He reminds me that I do not.
As one week comes to a close, and a new one begins, this is my prayer:
Dear Jesus,
Reveal to me my patterns of selfishness: my controlling spirit; my perfectionism; my desire to appease others; my need for human approval. These things are not from you. Contrarily, they are keeping me from you. Empty me of my sinful desires. Cleanse me of my sinful nature.
This is one of Andrew's favorite songs! The bridge says: "Everything is a lesser thing compared to You." How true that is. Everything should pale in comparison to the light that is found in Christ our Savior. His presence should not just overshadow, but totally encompass, every area of our lives. He should be the absolute only thing on our priority list, because nothing else matters. Everything is a lesser thing in comparison to the greatness of our God!
"When we meet with God, the things that used to be important to us should become dim and meaningless in the presence of one so grand. His will for us should always supersede what we desire for ourselves." - Priscilla Shirer in her book And We Are Changed
Reveal to me my patterns of selfishness: my controlling spirit; my perfectionism; my desire to appease others; my need for human approval. These things are not from you. Contrarily, they are keeping me from you. Empty me of my sinful desires. Cleanse me of my sinful nature.
This is one of Andrew's favorite songs! The bridge says: "Everything is a lesser thing compared to You." How true that is. Everything should pale in comparison to the light that is found in Christ our Savior. His presence should not just overshadow, but totally encompass, every area of our lives. He should be the absolute only thing on our priority list, because nothing else matters. Everything is a lesser thing in comparison to the greatness of our God!
"When we meet with God, the things that used to be important to us should become dim and meaningless in the presence of one so grand. His will for us should always supersede what we desire for ourselves." - Priscilla Shirer in her book And We Are Changed
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Gotta LOVE Wednesdays :)
Andrew and I had our engagement picture session yesterday. It was so much fun. The pictures were taken by Chesley Summar, whose work you can see here (and whose work now includes our engagement photos... YAY). We were outside for the session, which worked out wonderfully. The weather was perfect yesterday, and we had such a good time. Chesley was so patient with Andrew and me... in spite our being complete photography novices. And, in light of the fact that Andrew has always hated having his picture taken, he was such a trouper. I cannot wait to see all the pictures!
"Satisfaction in individual love cannot be attained without the capacity to love one's neighbor, without true humility, courage, faith, and discipline. In a culture in which these qualities are rare, the attainment of the capacity of love must remain a rare achievement."
- Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
"Satisfaction in individual love cannot be attained without the capacity to love one's neighbor, without true humility, courage, faith, and discipline. In a culture in which these qualities are rare, the attainment of the capacity of love must remain a rare achievement."
- Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
picture from here
Monday, May 24, 2010
He's Got the Whole World
I almost never listen to the radio in the mornings. It seems like, on every station, there is an extra- lot of talking in the mornings: news, weather, traffic updates, commercials. Usually when I turn on the radio, I want to hear music. A lack thereof deters me from listening to the radio most mornings. Instead, I am more prone to pop in a CD.
God had a special treat in store for me this morning though.
I started off my trek to work by listening to a CD. I was listening to Kari Jobe, and praying... trying to get in a good frame of mind (which seems particularly hard some Mondays, and today was one of those Mondays) before starting the day.
Something told me to turn the radio on.
Random.
But I did it; I turned the radio on.
I reached right up and pressed the "FM 2" button...
Come to think of it, I am not quite sure why I pressed 2 instead of 1.
Anyway, not five seconds after I turned the radio on, this song came on. Being slightly out of the Christian music loop, this was the first time I had ever heard this song. It brought me to tears.
And that was before seeing the video. :)
So get your tissues out.
This song could literally go on forever. Because that is as long as God is with us: forever. God is with us in every circumstance and situation; in every season of life, at every time of day. There is never a moment when God is not for me. As a child of God, He tells me there is never a moment when He is not with me. This is not because of anything I have done to earn His unending faithfulness and presence; it is because He is God, and He is Love, and that is what Love does.
Love does not get tired or bored. He does not take naps, or vacations, or breaks. He does not change His mind when I do something wrong. Love does not get His feelings hurt and, in return, disappear or retaliate, because Love is not self-seeking. Love does not abandon for another, whose hurts or needs are bigger than our own. He does not overlook our circumstances in favor of someone who has earned His attention more than us, or of someone whose needs may appear greater than our own. Love is constant. Its endurance does not end.
For these reasons, this song could go on and on; limited only by each person's own story or experiences.
Here is my part of the song for today, based upon what was on my heart as I drove to work this morning. My issues, concerns, joys, and happinesses may be minuscule in comparison to those of others, but Love keeps no comparison, because Love does not keep score. Love cares about every detail... good, bad, big, small.
God had a special treat in store for me this morning though.
I started off my trek to work by listening to a CD. I was listening to Kari Jobe, and praying... trying to get in a good frame of mind (which seems particularly hard some Mondays, and today was one of those Mondays) before starting the day.
Something told me to turn the radio on.
Random.
But I did it; I turned the radio on.
I reached right up and pressed the "FM 2" button...
Come to think of it, I am not quite sure why I pressed 2 instead of 1.
Anyway, not five seconds after I turned the radio on, this song came on. Being slightly out of the Christian music loop, this was the first time I had ever heard this song. It brought me to tears.
And that was before seeing the video. :)
So get your tissues out.
This song could literally go on forever. Because that is as long as God is with us: forever. God is with us in every circumstance and situation; in every season of life, at every time of day. There is never a moment when God is not for me. As a child of God, He tells me there is never a moment when He is not with me. This is not because of anything I have done to earn His unending faithfulness and presence; it is because He is God, and He is Love, and that is what Love does.
Love does not get tired or bored. He does not take naps, or vacations, or breaks. He does not change His mind when I do something wrong. Love does not get His feelings hurt and, in return, disappear or retaliate, because Love is not self-seeking. Love does not abandon for another, whose hurts or needs are bigger than our own. He does not overlook our circumstances in favor of someone who has earned His attention more than us, or of someone whose needs may appear greater than our own. Love is constant. Its endurance does not end.
For these reasons, this song could go on and on; limited only by each person's own story or experiences.
Here is my part of the song for today, based upon what was on my heart as I drove to work this morning. My issues, concerns, joys, and happinesses may be minuscule in comparison to those of others, but Love keeps no comparison, because Love does not keep score. Love cares about every detail... good, bad, big, small.
He's with you when you're overwhelmed
With your new job and wedding plans
And when you're feeling so afraid
That you second-guessing choices you've made.
He's with you in that client's house
When you feel trapped with no way out.
When you don't know which direction to turn
And you wonder if you'll ever learn
He's with you when your own strength fails
When the plans you've made don't work out well
And when you feel completely inept
And real life is just too hard to accept.
When you feel all alone.
He's with you.
Matthew 28:20 - "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Hebrews 13:5 - "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
With your new job and wedding plans
And when you're feeling so afraid
That you second-guessing choices you've made.
He's with you in that client's house
When you feel trapped with no way out.
When you don't know which direction to turn
And you wonder if you'll ever learn
He's with you when your own strength fails
When the plans you've made don't work out well
And when you feel completely inept
And real life is just too hard to accept.
When you feel all alone.
He's with you.
Matthew 28:20 - "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Hebrews 13:5 - "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A Dose of Encouragement
"I saw the Lord always before me.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body will also live in hope,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One decay.
You have made known to me the paths of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence." - Acts 2:25-28
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body will also live in hope,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One decay.
You have made known to me the paths of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence." - Acts 2:25-28
I thought, for some reason, that after getting a job, my life would begin to reach a certain level of certainty and stability. Wrong. As my mother reminded me yesterday, there is always something to be burdened about. If it was not this particular thing (said "thing" will remain unclarified for the time being), it would be something else. Not many things are totally certain, but of one thing I am sure: The Lord is always before me. He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Things come and go. Money comes and goes. Jobs come and go. Apartments come and go. Homes come and go. People come and go. The Word of the Lord endures. My faith is being tested. I am committing that my faith will endure, even through the worst of conditions. My God is greater than any test or trial that may come my way.
On that note, today is going to be a great day! I am still incredibly blessed!
On that note, today is going to be a great day! I am still incredibly blessed!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Playing Catch-Up
Well, I am sure that, by now, the people who have tried to keep up with my blog have totally given up on me. And I cannot say that I blame them; I have been incredibly inconsistent lately!
Here is a brief overview of what you have missed over the past week and a half:
The D.C trip was great. We were able to see all of my favorites: The Museum of American History, The Washington Monument, Williamsburg, and The Holocaust Museum. I could have spent days in the Holocaust Museum; however, Andrew's attention span did well to last the few hours that it did :)
I was also able to go some places I had never been before: The National Art Gallery (which was really cool for the first thirty minutes or so, but got a little mundane after that. Of course, I am neither a proficient, knowledgeable, or cultured artist. If I were, I am sure I would have appreciated it more), Ford's Theater (which I completely fell in love with. My biggest complaint is that they only gave visitors thirty minutes in the museum before we had to begin finding seats for an informational speech. I was barely able to see anything in the museum before it was time to leave!), and Arlington. We went to Arlington because Andrew really wanted to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, which, I will admit, I had never even heard of until Andrew mentioned it. Strangely enough, it turned out to be one of my favorite sites of the entire trip!
The only thing I would have changed about the trip would have been the weather. If it was not raining, it was cold, and visa versa.... A little inconvenient for tourists who parked their car at the beginning of the trip, with the intention of walking to every destination.
Mind you, we did follow through with our commitment to walk everywhere. We just walked at a less leisurely pace than we would have in more accommodating weather conditions.
Pre- Washington D.C trip I graduated from college.
Post- Washington D.C trip (just yesterday actually) I started my first real job! After Day 2, I am feeling slightly overwhelmed, and more than slightly under-qualified. A man called me today needing a wheelchair, and you would have thought he had asked me to perform open heart surgery on him. That's about how clueless I was! The crisis has been averted for now, and the wheelchair is in the works. Looking on the bright side: At least I was not truly asked to perform open heart surgery on him. Talk about clueless and under-qualified; I would have killed the man. Instead, I am meeting with him tomorrow afternoon. And between now and then, I will be researching every possible affordable wheelchair resource in the area... along with every possible wheelchair funding resource in the area (which might take a bit of creativity). This is the place I where I feel so inept. Others seem to know resources, companies, phone numbers, addresses, and policies, off the top of their heads. I know nothing! I am so ignorant of so many things, and am referring either to written/electronic guides, or to people CONSTANTLY.
Something else that was kind of daunting and intimidating was signing insurance forms, deciding on which packages I wanted, being given a company cell phone, being shown my workspace, and then being let loose. It feels strange not having a professor, or a parent, or someone, to keep in touch with on a regular basis. I do have a supervisor, but our contact will actually be fairly limited. I feel like I am in just a tad over my head. With that being said, though, I am incredibly excited and nervous. I am going to love the job. It is more than I would have dared hope for.
Working makes me sleepy! I have been ready for bed for about the past two hours... So that is where I am headed!
Here is a brief overview of what you have missed over the past week and a half:
The D.C trip was great. We were able to see all of my favorites: The Museum of American History, The Washington Monument, Williamsburg, and The Holocaust Museum. I could have spent days in the Holocaust Museum; however, Andrew's attention span did well to last the few hours that it did :)
I was also able to go some places I had never been before: The National Art Gallery (which was really cool for the first thirty minutes or so, but got a little mundane after that. Of course, I am neither a proficient, knowledgeable, or cultured artist. If I were, I am sure I would have appreciated it more), Ford's Theater (which I completely fell in love with. My biggest complaint is that they only gave visitors thirty minutes in the museum before we had to begin finding seats for an informational speech. I was barely able to see anything in the museum before it was time to leave!), and Arlington. We went to Arlington because Andrew really wanted to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, which, I will admit, I had never even heard of until Andrew mentioned it. Strangely enough, it turned out to be one of my favorite sites of the entire trip!
The only thing I would have changed about the trip would have been the weather. If it was not raining, it was cold, and visa versa.... A little inconvenient for tourists who parked their car at the beginning of the trip, with the intention of walking to every destination.
Mind you, we did follow through with our commitment to walk everywhere. We just walked at a less leisurely pace than we would have in more accommodating weather conditions.
Pre- Washington D.C trip I graduated from college.
Post- Washington D.C trip (just yesterday actually) I started my first real job! After Day 2, I am feeling slightly overwhelmed, and more than slightly under-qualified. A man called me today needing a wheelchair, and you would have thought he had asked me to perform open heart surgery on him. That's about how clueless I was! The crisis has been averted for now, and the wheelchair is in the works. Looking on the bright side: At least I was not truly asked to perform open heart surgery on him. Talk about clueless and under-qualified; I would have killed the man. Instead, I am meeting with him tomorrow afternoon. And between now and then, I will be researching every possible affordable wheelchair resource in the area... along with every possible wheelchair funding resource in the area (which might take a bit of creativity). This is the place I where I feel so inept. Others seem to know resources, companies, phone numbers, addresses, and policies, off the top of their heads. I know nothing! I am so ignorant of so many things, and am referring either to written/electronic guides, or to people CONSTANTLY.
Something else that was kind of daunting and intimidating was signing insurance forms, deciding on which packages I wanted, being given a company cell phone, being shown my workspace, and then being let loose. It feels strange not having a professor, or a parent, or someone, to keep in touch with on a regular basis. I do have a supervisor, but our contact will actually be fairly limited. I feel like I am in just a tad over my head. With that being said, though, I am incredibly excited and nervous. I am going to love the job. It is more than I would have dared hope for.
Working makes me sleepy! I have been ready for bed for about the past two hours... So that is where I am headed!
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