On the way to the restaurant where we were meeting them, I told Andrew how nervous I was. I was nervous about my being awkward, or not having much to say, not fitting in... I warned Andrew to be on his best behavior, as he can be a little nutty sometimes (which I love, but I did not want it to catch others who do not know him off guard).
I think this is what we do when we come before God in prayer sometimes. We withhold our dirtiness, our realness... the inner most parts of our hearts. Our fears, our mistakes, even our wounds. We bring only our best before God. And God wants our best. But He also wants our worst. He wants what He died for, and He died for every part of us... Our talents, our gifts, our passions and desires, our accomplishments. But He also wants our ugliness, the dark, black places in our heart, the things we are most ashamed of.
In his book "With Open Hands," Henri Nouwen writes of coming before God with unclenched fists... giving absolutely everything to Him. The first few lines of Nouwen's introduction go like this:
"Praying is no easy matter. It demands a relationship in which you allow someone other than yourself to enter into the very center of your person, to see there what you would rather leave in darkness, and to touch there what you would rather leave untouched."
This is hard. This is hard for me. I am a Type-A personality, tending toward introversion, perfectionism, and a controlling spirit. Why would I ever intentionally expose the ugly places in my life and heart... intentionally?!
Nouwen closes his introduction with this prayer.
Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold onto?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
And what you want to give me is love-
unconditional, everlasting love.
Amen.
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